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 Inläggsrubrik: Användarmanual till din Boromir.
InläggPostat: mån jul 26, 2004 2:52 am 
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Maia
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Blev medlem: mån mar 29, 2004 4:20 am
Inlägg: 1025
Ort: stockholm
ja, jag vet inte om det beror på den sena (eller tidiga, beroendes på hur man ser det) timman, men jag satt och fnissade hysteriskt åt detta. skulle länkat om det var möjligt, men sidan omdirigerar automatiskt till huvudsidan... lite halvt barnförbjudet, men kan man engelska är man nog gammal nog att läsa det ändå.


** CONGRATULATIONS! ***

You are now the proud owner of a BOROMIR! In order to obtain top performance from your Man of Gondor, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Boromir

Type: Human (male)

Manufacturers: Denethor and Finduilas, (Stewards‘R’Us Ltd.), Minas Tirith

Date of Manufacture: Year 2978 of the Third Age

Height: 5 feet 11 inches

Weight: 180 lbs

Length: 12 inches (Note: This measurement is in reference to the ‘Horn of Boromir’.)

Power Output: Awesome

ACCESSORIES

Your BOROMIR comes equipped with a host of travel-stained accessories, including a sword, shield, fur-lined cloak and, of course, a huge horn.

*** CAUTION *** It is not uncommon for the BOROMIR model to attempt to filch accessories from other units, particularly anything in the way of jewellery. This is not to be encouraged, even if your BOROMIR claims that the item in question is a gift, a gift to the foes of Mordor.

OPERATING PROCEDURE

Not only is your BOROMIR a fine example of stalwart Gondorian masculinity, he can also be utilised successfully in several capacities:

Snowplough:

Used in conjunction with the ARAGORN model, your BOROMIR can clear a path through even the deepest snowdrift. Note: If these two models become discouraged, send a Mk I LEGOLAS to act as navigator.

Child-carrier:

Your BOROMIR’s burly physique means that he is admirably suited to carrying children, either on his back or one under each arm. During deep snowfall, your BOROMIR will ensure that your kids get out and about. Ignore your BOROMIR’s complaint that the cold will be the death of them.

Fencing instructor:

Your BOROMIR has been programmed to instruct your children in the art of swordplay. Do not worry if they trick him into lowering his guard and wrestle him playfully to the ground – your BOROMIR has been trained to keep his good-humour and suppress his natural warrior’s urge to beat them to a bloody pulp.

Waiter:

Your BOROMIR’s fondness for carrying his large, circular shield everywhere makes him well suited to serving at the dinner table. With practice, your BOROMIR will be able to carry three plates of lobster thermidore with his shield balanced on one hand.

CLEANING

Those owners who already have an ARAGORN model may be labouring under the misapprehension that it is impossible to maintain a Man in a decent state of cleanliness. (Female owners who have been married for more than a fortnight may also have come to the same conclusion.) However, your BOROMIR can be kept in a hygienic condition if you follow this grooming regime on a daily basis:

* Trim beard.

* Comb hair.

* Clean nails.

* Change tunic/shirt/leggings/cloak.

* Shower whole BOROMIR unit.

*** CAUTION *** You may find that your BOROMIR is ignorant of the workings of such a technologically advanced utility as an electric shower. In this circumstance it may be necessary for you to accompany him into the shower, thereby enabling you to show him which knob to turn. While you are in the shower with your BOROMIR, you are advised to check that he is applying body-wash to all parts evenly. Redistribution of lather may be required, possibly on a repeated basis.

On completion of the showing procedure, dry your BOROMIR by rubbing him briskly with a towel. Do not tumble dry. Do not hang him on the washing line, unless you want your neighbours to gossip.

To maintain your BOROMIR in pristine condition, apply oil to the major muscle groups in the following order:

(1) Quadriceps femoris

(2) Trapezius

(3) Gluteus maximus

(4) Triceps

(5) Biceps

(6) Pectoralis major

(7) Gluteus maximus

(8) Gastrocnemius

(9) Deltoid

(10) Gluteus maximus.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your BOROMIR to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity or staggeringly evil Rings of Power.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: When I first undressed my BOROMIR (in search of his serial number, obviously), I noticed some very nasty scars on his leanly muscled torso. Is this normal?

A: Every BOROMIR is, by necessity, a refurbished model. The arrow wounds on your BOROMIR’s chest are, regrettably, permanent. If you wish, you may try to kiss them better, in which case your BOROMIR may offer to show you the rest of his battle-scar collection.

*** CAUTION *** Married female owners must ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/car maintenance/crocodile taming etc. before carrying out this procedure.


Q: I have told my BOROMIR that I am taking him with me when I go on holiday to the Highlands of Scotland. He insists on us taking huge chunks of wood to burn in case we get stuck in our attempt to climb Ben Nevis. What should I do?

A: This is perfectly normal behaviour for a well-travelled model such as the BOROMIR. Reassure your BOROMIR that Ben Nevis is 2000 feet lower than Caradhras and that it is, after all, the middle of August! If he continues to fret, humour him by packing some barbeque charcoal and a packet of firelighters.


Q: Is it safe for my BOROMIR to go white-water rafting?

A: Yes, absolutely! BOROMIRs have an uncanny knack of staying in boats, even after they have been cast adrift over huge waterfalls.


Q: My BOROMIR and ARAGORN units are antagonistic towards one another. Is this a case of hardware incompatibility?

A: As with the LEGOLAS and GIMLI units, the default interaction setting for the BOROMIR and ARAGORN models is ‘Barely Veiled Hostility’. This means that your BOROMIR and ARAGORN units begin their working lives in a state of enmity. The explanation for this is that their career plans are mutually incompatible. However the time-keeping mechanism within these models is arranged such that the dynamic between the two models alters after a few weeks. (This is called the ‘Friendly Chat In Lothlorien’ stage). After a longer period, you may find that the interaction between ‘Da Gondor Boyz’ becomes positively affectionate. (This phase is known as the ‘I Would Have Followed You, My Brother, My Captain, My King’ period.)

TROUBLE SHOOTING

Problem: Before every journey your BOROMIR insists on sounding the Horn of Gondor. The neighbours are complaining. You have asked him to stop, explaining patiently that such actions are necessary only when dire need is on you, but he insists that he will not go forth as a thief in the night.

Solution: It is almost impossible to override your BOROMIR’s programming in this respect. The best thing to do is to hide the war-horn and give your BOROMIR one of those paper squeakers that you get in Christmas crackers. This will enable him to fulfil his urge to blow something before setting forth without prompting letters from the Noise Abatement Society.


Problem: Your BOROMIR makes disparaging comments during the Queen's Christmas Speech.

Solution: BOROMIRs are notoriously hostile towards the monarchy and tend to go around muttering, “Britain has no king. Britain needs no king”. Distract your BOROMIR by offering to polish his horn. (You may find that your Boromir will gradually warm towards royalty over a period of time, but don't hold your breath.)


Problem: Your BOROMIR is upset because your ARAGORN model keeps stealing his wrist braces.

Solution: Threaten your ARAGORN by telling him that ‘The Sword That Was Broken’ can jolly well be broken again if he doesn’t behave himself. If that does not work, distract your ARAGORN with a partially unwrapped ARWEN unit.


Problem: Your BOROMIR keeps rooting through your jewellery box.

Solution: This is a fault inherent in the BOROMIR model. Learn to live with it. Try to regard it as one of those amusing little quirks that makes him interesting. If the malfunction becomes severe, give your BOROMIR an old curtain ring and tell him to, “Keep it safe and keep it secret!” This will ensure that he stays out of mischief.


Problem: Your BOROMIR shows no interest in jewellery and has become fascinated by the fair-haired young woman who lives next door. She is the niece of the Secretary of the Pony Club. She’s awfully pretty, but a bit of a tomboy.

Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a FARAMIR model. On the bright side, you have accidentally been issued with a FARAMIR model. Stop complaining!


Problem: Your BOROMIR keeps vanishing on Saturday afternoons and there are a large number of Sheffield United Football Club match-day programs lying around the house.

Solution: Check your BOROMIR’s left shoulder. If you find a tattoo reading “100% Blade”, then you have been fortunate enough to have been issued with SEAN BEAN. Make the most of the opportunities this presents before the South Yorkshire Police ‘Missing Persons’ squad gives you a visit. In the highly unlikely event that you do not wish to keep SEAN BEAN, feel free to post him to Theresa Green, Cambridge, England. To cut down on the cost of the postage, do not bother to pack his clothes.


Problem: Your BOROMIR is reluctant to help with the gardening.

Solution: Your BOROMIR will generally be more amenable to following orders if you whisper them to him in a poetic style while he is asleep. For example,

“Seek for the spade that is broken,

In garden shed it dwells…”

If this fails, tell your BOROMIR that you are thinking of employing a FARAMIR to do the gardening. Your BOROMIR will immediately claim that the job is too dangerous for a FARAMIR and rush headlong to do it himself.


Problem: Your BOROMIR is not interacting successfully with your GALADRIEL unit. He cannot meet her gaze, trembles and sweats profusely.

Solution: GALADRIELs are unusually sensitive to malfunctions in other models. It may be that she has detected a bug in your BOROMIR’s programming. Encourage your GALADRIEL to put BOROMIR at his ease by giving him a gift, e.g. a golden belt. If the problem persists and you are otherwise satisfied with your BOROMIR’s performance, throw away your GALADRIEL.

Note: GIMLI models also tend to tremble and sweat in the presence of GALADRIEL units, but the cause is somewhat different.


Problem: Your BOROMIR’s balance is atrocious. He keeps teetering on the brink of sheer cliffs, dropping torches and flailing his arms around wildly.

Solution: Purchase a Mk II LEGOLAS. The wood-elf unit is programmed to rescue wobbling BOROMIRs. Your BOROMIR’s reaction will be to sink back heavily on the LEGOLAS, causing extensive bruising to the Elf’s rear components. This is perfectly normal and is enjoyed by both parties.

FINAL NOTE

Due to the somewhat volatile nature of the BOROMIR model, you will find that you have not been issued with a guarantee. Those owners who are already used to the 6,342,000 month extended warranties issued with Elven units may find this rather disappointing but such is the nature of your BOROMIR. Console yourself with the thought that at least your BOROMIR doesn’t use all your hair conditioner and strawberry-scented bubble bath.

_________________
I wished to be loved by another, but I desire no man's pity.


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InläggPostat: mån jul 26, 2004 10:53 am 
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Master of Doom

Blev medlem: tor dec 11, 2003 5:03 pm
Inlägg: 5430
Ort: Stockholm
Det var riktigt kul faktiskt!


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InläggPostat: mån jul 26, 2004 5:01 pm 
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High King of the Noldor
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Blev medlem: sön okt 19, 2003 11:57 pm
Inlägg: 2279
Ort: Uppsala
Ja det var det faktiskt.

Citera:
Length: 12 inches (Note: This measurement is in reference to the ‘Horn of Boromir’


Damn!

De här var bäst dock:

"Problem: Your BOROMIR makes disparaging comments during the Queen's Christmas Speech.

Solution: BOROMIRs are notoriously hostile towards the monarchy and tend to go around muttering, “Britain has no king. Britain needs no king”. Distract your BOROMIR by offering to polish his horn. (You may find that your Boromir will gradually warm towards royalty over a period of time, but don't hold your breath.)"

"Problem: Your BOROMIR shows no interest in jewellery and has become fascinated by the fair-haired young woman who lives next door. She is the niece of the Secretary of the Pony Club. She’s awfully pretty, but a bit of a tomboy.

Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a FARAMIR model. On the bright side, you have accidentally been issued with a FARAMIR model. Stop complaining!"


Jag noterade också att Boromir är 2,5 cm kortare än Mig men väger 26 kg mer, så han måste vara jävligt muskulös.

_________________
I'm just an ancient drummer boy and in the wars I used to play.


Senast redigerad av Fëanor mån jul 26, 2004 6:10 pm, redigerad totalt 2 gånger.

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InläggPostat: mån jul 26, 2004 5:16 pm 
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Blev medlem: fre jan 02, 2004 1:32 pm
Inlägg: 1817
Ort: Vid Aver Peddrolocs skogar
Okej; den var rolig även om småtimmarna var långt gångna. Ett enkelt tankeexperiment som tyr kräver att man har läst boken samt sett filmerna för att förstå. Typ...

Finns det nån annan sådan karaktärsinfo? Jag skulle gärna vilja se Aragorn unit (made by Anathor and (vad hon nu hette); Númenors' R'Us)

_________________
Jag sällar mig till hjältarna som gör och inte tycker

Åt samma håll - Lars Winnerbeck


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InläggPostat: mån jul 26, 2004 8:00 pm 
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Master of Doom

Blev medlem: tor dec 11, 2003 5:03 pm
Inlägg: 5430
Ort: Stockholm
Arathorn och Gilraen.


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InläggPostat: mån jul 26, 2004 8:06 pm 
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Blev medlem: fre jan 02, 2004 1:32 pm
Inlägg: 1817
Ort: Vid Aver Peddrolocs skogar
Oj. Jag ber så mycket om ursäkt; Turin. Jag har varit borta från Tolkienvärlden för länge. Det är svårt för mig att hålla reda på alla ringennamn när jag måste hålla reda på alla händelserna i Deverryböckerna... :oops: :oops:

_________________
Jag sällar mig till hjältarna som gör och inte tycker

Åt samma håll - Lars Winnerbeck


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InläggPostat: mån jul 26, 2004 8:07 pm 
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Master of Doom

Blev medlem: tor dec 11, 2003 5:03 pm
Inlägg: 5430
Ort: Stockholm
Det lät nästan på dig som att jag var arg. :) Jag var själv osäker på Gilraen.


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InläggPostat: mån jul 26, 2004 8:16 pm 
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Blev medlem: lör nov 22, 2003 1:31 am
Inlägg: 614
Ort: Sverige
Håhååå... Den var riktigt bra. :lol:

"Do not expose your BOROMIR to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity or staggeringly evil Rings of Power."


Men jag var tvungen att slå upp de latinska namnen på musklerna - fast den självklara (?) "muskeln" saknades...


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InläggPostat: mån jul 26, 2004 11:25 pm 
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problemlösare (perl -pe 's/nana/japh/' nana.txt )

Blev medlem: ons nov 19, 2003 12:46 pm
Inlägg: 2974
Ort: inte helt laglydigt i Solna
Roligt var det. Synd att 8:an blev en simlie i stället. Lät att missa däremot. För att slippa tryck in inaktivera simliys.
Bör gå att göra i editeringen.

(En bra anledning att inte ha på smileys känns det som , även om alla anlednignar att inte ha smileys är bra anledningar enligt mig)

_________________
"seen so many come and go / but my heart never beats slow / respect is payed where respect is due / rather die than live like you " - Forever Young - The Guarantee


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InläggPostat: ons jul 28, 2004 8:29 pm 
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Blev medlem: sön jan 18, 2004 5:46 pm
Inlägg: 2474
Ort: Upplands Väsby
:lol: Jag lider av morbid humor.


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InläggPostat: ons jul 28, 2004 10:39 pm 
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Blev medlem: mån apr 19, 2004 7:10 pm
Inlägg: 2010
Ort: Världen
Beledhel skrev:
:lol: Jag lider av morbid humor.

Samma här. :lol:

_________________
"Det har alltid varit kyrkans uppgift att försöka motverka förtryck." - präst i lokaltidningen

Ha. Ha. Ha.


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InläggPostat: mån aug 02, 2004 2:53 pm 
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Blev medlem: mån jun 14, 2004 5:19 pm
Inlägg: 1554
Ort: Little Hangleton
den här artikel var faktikt rätt roligt, ni kan sätta upp en sida här på TA med bara sån har roliga grejer(skämtartiklar)

_________________
/Tom Riddle

"There is no good and evil, there is only power...and those too weak to seek it."
—Voldemort

I never expected that conducting a campaign of organized terrorism would be so morally uplifting.
/Viridian


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InläggPostat: mån aug 02, 2004 3:03 pm 
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Creator of stars
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Blev medlem: mån dec 15, 2003 12:52 pm
Inlägg: 11222
Ort: Dun Cannobaen
Försökte faktiskt föreslå det en gång. En tråd för onödigt men kul vetande. Men det föll sig inte riktigt så att det blev något.

_________________
There's a feelin' I get when I look to the west
and my spirit is crying for leaving...

And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter


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InläggPostat: mån aug 02, 2004 3:19 pm 
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problemlösare (perl -pe 's/nana/japh/' nana.txt )

Blev medlem: ons nov 19, 2003 12:46 pm
Inlägg: 2974
Ort: inte helt laglydigt i Solna
jag har stängt av smileys i ursprungsinlägget, så att siffrorna fungerar.

_________________
"seen so many come and go / but my heart never beats slow / respect is payed where respect is due / rather die than live like you " - Forever Young - The Guarantee


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InläggPostat: tor aug 12, 2004 1:23 pm 
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Blev medlem: tor aug 12, 2004 1:14 pm
Inlägg: 8
hehe...lite små kul det där...

_________________
"Tarostar, Gondors åttonde konung"


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